Is This The End? Only Time Will Tell

Reading Time: 6 minutes

Hey there welcome to Episode 75 of Hard Beautiful Journey.

This is going to be a tough episode to get through so I’m giving you fair warning that I may shed some tears.  But I also have plans on making us all smile once or twice so please stick around!

So what’s going on and why is this episode going to be tough?  Well….I’ve made the very hard decision to put my podcast on the back burner…..and for how long, I truly don’t know.

If you have been listening to this podcast for the past 5 seasons you’ve heard me say many, many times that it’s critical to take care of yourself first before trying to help others.  And for quite some time I was doing a really good job of balancing all the things I was doing, including my own self-care.  I had a great routine in place and made it a priority to always take care of myself.  

I can’t say that anymore and to be completely honest and real, I’ve been having a very hard time this past year.  So hard that I’ve been quite worried about my mental well-being the past couple months.  One of the reasons is obviously the loss of my big brother Cory late last year to a fentanyl drug overdose.  That has rocked my world more than I ever thought possible.  In addition to this huge loss, I am also navigating a big change in our family – a change I’m not ready to talk about but it has also taken it’s toll on my heart and my well-being.  

Some moments this past year have brought me to my knees begging God to make the heartache not so crippling.  It’s made me question time after time – how much more my heart can take.  It’s made me question my path and my journey, almost on the daily.  It’s made me question if any of the work I have done is worth doing.  I’ve had some very vulnerable conversations about these things with my family and friends.  That is something I’m proud of in all this, is my ability to continually reach out and seek comfort and support in the people I have around me.  Without this, I surely would be in a much tougher spot.  I’ve also continued to reach out to my therapist to guide me through these very challenging circumstances.  I am so grateful for every line of support that I have in my life.

I have been doing this podcast for over 2 years now……what the heck!  

I didn’t know if I would make it past the first 4-5 episodes that I had planned to tell our story.  And here we are at episode 75.  It goes to show you that there are many other people who have had a Hard Beautiful Journey.  If I could live off air and love, I would do this as my career, hands down.  When I get behind a mic and on a recording session with my guests, I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, with the exact person I’m supposed to be talking to that day.  But here’s the thing, podcasting takes a lot of time and energy, and very little if any financial benefits.  And with everything going on that I described earlier, I’ve found I don’t have the bandwidth or emotional capacity to give everything I want to my guests….and my listeners.  

I’ve been here before and I took time to step away and catch my breath and then got back to it.  But this time feels different.  This time feels like I need a much longer break from MANY of the things I have been doing.  

In early 2020 I felt a calling from God, Spirit, Universe….to serve others.  I heard that calling and obeyed.  Wherever I could, I served.  Whether that was through getting Do Good, Be Kind to our kids’ school, volunteering for Hockey Boards, volunteering for PTA, doing a podcast, I served my ass off.  I say this not to get recognition, but to highlight to you that you can serve others and do good for others, but it can’t be at the expense of your own well-being.  

There has to be balance.

I recognize and admit that I was keeping myself BEYOND busy as a way to avoid dealing with certain things and keep myself distracted so I wouldn’t have to sit in the uncomfortable feelings and admit hard truths.  But you can only do this for so long.   My mind, body and soul said enough Tiff.  Enough.  And I decided to surrender.  So it’s time to get in the arena again, to fight for my wellness and take the necessary time to grieve.  And not just the loss of my brother.  Grief comes in many forms and this past year has shown that to me in a big way.

I don’t know what the future holds for my podcast but, in the event that I don’t return to podcasting, I want to say a few things about this part of my journey.

First of all…..do any of you remember how absolutely brutal it was for me to get my very first episode out into the world???  That is seared into my brain for the rest of time.  It took DAYS for me to get it done and when I hit publish I was definitely in the fetal position wondering what the hell I just did.  Just to remind us all…..here are the outtakes from that first episode back on June 29, 2020.

Wow….that seems like forever ago and so much has changed!

I am so proud of what I have created over the past two years and how I used this platform to shine a light on mental health, unresolved trauma, addictions, Infertility, parenting, ADHD, Grief, Joy, and so much more.  When I started podcasting 2 years ago there were about 750,000 podcast shows in the world – now there are about 2.5 million.  Many of them also shining a light on these topics which is so fantastic and needed.

I am grateful I had this platform to share my story and part of my brother’s story.  I hope to one day be able to share more of it with the writing that I am doing, which is part of my therapy.  I know it will help so many people and when it’s time to be shared with the world, it will be.  I trust and believe he is with me every day and guiding me through that process.

I am grateful for the many incredible people I’ve had the honour and privilege of talking to, from all over the world.  I know in my soul that at least one person was helped by something each of my guests had to share.  

I always said, if doing this is helping one person, then it is worth it.  

Doing this podcast has connected me with so many beautiful souls from different corners of the world, it’s allowed me to reconnect with old friends from high school, it’s allowed me to share my story on other podcasts because they heard my story and wanted to share it with their audience.  It’s allowed me to find a strength I didn’t know I had until I took a chance and did it anyway – I took a chance on using my voice.  Taking that chance, has changed my life in so many beautiful ways.  I have heard from many of you that my voice is soothing and calming……I never thought that was part of me, until I did this podcast.  So for that I am grateful.  Thank you again to each of my guests for sharing your story on my podcast, you should be proud of using your voice as well.

I am grateful for all of you who have taken time out of your busy lives to listen to my podcast.  It has never been lost on me how special that is.  Especially considering there are now over 2 million of them in the world.  The fact that you choose to listen to me and the guests I bring on – well that is just so amazing.  Your reviews on Apple Podcasts, and your words of encouragement through messages you have sent me or my family have kept me going this past two years.  I encourage you all to do this one thing – if someone has done something you admire or it’s helped you in some way – tell them.  Tell that person because those words of encouragement mean more than you may realize.

Please know that you can always listen to all 75 episodes like you always have on all the available podcast players…..and my website isn’t going anywhere.  All of the episodes and blog posts will be at hardbeautifuljourney.com.  I will be continuing to share my writing in blog posts so if you want to keep up with what’s going on in my world, that’s where you’ll find it.  Well, let’s be real….there and on Instagram.  I love creating reels of the everyday – being creative is one of my love languages so I can’t see me not doing something like videos for quite some time.

Who knows, I may miss this so much that I’m back in no time, but I don’t want to make any promises to you or myself right now.  My focus will be on my well-being and taking time to be with my family.  There will be a lot of breathwork, meditation and exercising going on – I have a lot of mountain and water therapy in my future!  And there will be a lot more time spent snuggling with my three miracles that were the catalyst for starting this podcast in the first place.  

I’m going to be ok and I’ll be stronger than ever.  

I’d like to end this episode by reminding you all that life can DEFINITELY be hard, but it can also be so dang BEAUTIFUL. 

Please use your voice.  When you share your story, your Hard Beautiful Journey, you never know who you can be helping – the most important person it will help is you.

I won’t say good-bye…..I’ll say see you later.  Please be kind and stay well….

xoxo,

Tiff