Letting Go of My Marriage — and My Best Friend: What Divorce Really Taught Me

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“I think it’s time we consider separating” I said to James.

It was May 15, 2022. Our 19th wedding anniversary. Now, it wasn’t a day to celebrate.

Never having gone through a divorce before, I had no idea what was coming. There were many times over the course of our marriage when I would think about divorce and wonder how hard it would be. It’s what kept me there for many years, I was scared of the unknown.

I wrote about some of this in my book “DANCING IN THE RAIN” but more life has happened since I sent my book out into the world.

It’s been excruciating some moments. It’s been very peaceful in other moments. It’s been lonely. It’s been exciting. It has been ALL the words in the emotions dictionary.

It is the craziest roller coaster ride that I have ever experienced.

AND….I wouldn’t change a thing. Even in the darkest of moments, I know this is the right thing for me. For James. For our kids.

These kids deserve to have parents that are happy, to show them it’s important to be true to yourself and honor what our heart and soul is saying.

I miss many things from my married life, but I don’t miss feeling rejected over and over and over. I don’t miss not having an intimate and emotional connection with the person who I was supposed to have one with. Because isn’t that what marriage promises us?

I now know that you can’t force someone to be the person you want them to be. It’s an uphill losing battle. A hill I was tired of climbing.

James and I were best friends….more so than husband and wife. I know that may not make sense to some people, but it’s true. We had a great friendship in our marriage but not much else beyond that.

THAT is what has been the hardest part of our divorce…for me.

The idea of losing one of my best friends. I’ve been so desperate to not lose this friendship that I’ve been holding on to parts of our past that have been hindering my healing journey. But no more. It was finally time to rip that bandaid off and say goodbye to the friendship as well. The kind we had anyway.

I have been in a very sad, dark place….again. I’m ok admitting that and sharing this truth.

I’m sharing this because I want to let you know what I’ve been doing to work through another low in my journey. I talked to people. I chose to USE MY VOICE. I was vulnerable and cried endless tears in front of people I trusted. Ugly cried actually. I journaled. I wrote out words of sadness, anger, bitterness….and love. Then I ripped up the pages and burned them.

I am grateful for the people that held space for me and listened. Who’ve been checking in on me. And I’m grateful beyond measure that I have the ability to see a therapist, which I know is not possible for many people. I do not take that for granted. I spent hours with her and worked through many hard feelings and again….cried endless tears.

I will be ok. I know there is beauty in my future, because I feel the beauty today. In my heart and soul.

xx,

Tiff